Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
