my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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