you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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