Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
