3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
