Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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