my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
