If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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