Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
