i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
