I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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