I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
