my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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