i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
