I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
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I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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