Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
