i think my mom watched the whole time
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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