Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
