the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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