i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
love makes seman taste better
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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