Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
