so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
