I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
