So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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