At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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