I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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