hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dignity is for republicans.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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