i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
