we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
