its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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