i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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