Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
