Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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