just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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