Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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