Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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