it wasn't lemon gatorade
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Randomize
