a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
