Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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