You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
