theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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