She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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