im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
