I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
