if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
