Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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