just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
