i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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