I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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