I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My balls are so social today.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
