He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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