god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want to walk on stilts...naked
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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