I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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