Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dear god my vagina.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
