I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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