just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
