you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
