hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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