Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
