i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
